Mating Habits and Revenge
by NaughtypastryChef
Summary: HP/DM, SS/RL, SF/PP, TN/HG, GW/BZ.  Hogwarts has a talent show; Draco Malfoy is more and yet less perceptive than we think. Crack/Song fic. Non-canon


**This is a joke! I somehow ended up with this in my head and had to get it out so that I could work on my other stories. If you like or it think it's funny, please let me know. I think it's hilarious and I'm curious if anyone has a similar sense of humor to mine. Read on!**

Draco Malfoy had noticed that some of the Gryffindors in his year were acting strange. Er… well, make that stranger than usual. Recently he'd observed that some of them were acting out what seemed to be some kind of bizarre mating ritual.

Draco had long since held a fascination for magical creatures, even the ones that somewhat frightened him. Veelas, Vampyres, Werewolves, anything that was humanoid in nature really, and he'd read up on the lot of them. One thing that they all had in common was they all had some kind of specific mating ritual when they'd gone into heat.

Take, for example, the Vampyre: when a born Vampyre comes into its sexual maturity, they display for their would-be mates. Show off impressive strength, whip out their wings at a moment's notice and take off for flight, and other things that were sure to draw the eye.

Veelas, on the other hand, do an actual dance that displays their bodies for a potential mate. Twisting, leaping, bowing, stretching, anything that would make someone pick them over another.

Werewolves, well…they just take what they want. They see a mate, mark him or her, and then growl and try to kill anyone who gets too close. All creatures have some kind of mating dance for within their species.

All of this knowledge crammed itself into Draco's pretty blonde head and actually enabled him to see the world around him differently than most other people. He was actually learned in those subjects enough that he could step back and watch the most bizarre mating ritual of all: the mating habits of the teenager.

None of this helped him to deduce when he was the target, however.

On one memorable sunny afternoon in the end of May, Draco, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott were sitting out by the Black Lake and chatting amicably. Though NEWTS were upon them, the afternoon was far too glorious to waste inside studying.

That winter had been hard; due to the weather yes, but mostly due to the fact that it was in January that the Dark Lord made his final move on Hogwarts and Harry Potter. Harry had defeated the nose-less bastard and he'd had the help of every student, from every house, standing beside him. Hogwarts had lost a few students, not because they'd betrayed the rest, but because they had died defending their school and their friends.

Naturally, after that long, hard, cold winter the first chance that the students had to spend the afternoon outside basking in the sunlight they took it. Three of the four Slytherin students were blissfully unaware that they were being watched, examined even by the four Gryffindor students that had been acting strangely lately. The fourth was well aware of the watchers.

Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley and Seamus Finnegan were at a neighboring tree to the one that their targets were under and pretending (poorly) that they weren't watching the other students every move.

Draco became aware of the odd group when he felt the prickle of someone staring at the back of his head. When he slyly glanced out of the corner of his eye Finnegan was glaring at him as though he'd just ran over the boys' pet crup. Delicately raising a blonde eyebrow, he put the glare to the back of his mind and refocused on the conversation of his friends.

Shortly thereafter, he found himself laughing at something Blaise said and he leaned forward to put his hand on the other boy's arm. His eyes widened when he heard a reverberating growl behind him and his head whipped around just in time to see that Harry was pulling the girl-Weasel back towards their group.

Odd things similar to that continued to happen through the afternoon. A wordless shout from Granger when he leaned over to whisper something in Theodore's ear; another growl and abrupt movement whenever he and Blaise got too close; and he was certain that Potter had made some kind of cut-off movement when Pansy had started to tickle him.

This did not go unnoticed by his friends for very long. By the end of the afternoon, all four of the Slytherin students were certain that something odd was going on, but Draco was the only one who had an idea of what it was. He was certain that the Gryffindors had targeted intended mates.

When Draco and his friends got up to head inside the castle for dinner, he noticed the Gryffindors whispering between themselves and shoving at each other. He paused in his steps, and made a small motion with his hand for his friends to freeze as well so that they could observe what would happen next.

Shockingly, it was Finnegan that was finally brow-beat into approaching the other group. He walked up boldly at first, but as soon as he was close enough for them so see his facial expression, his steps slowed and he began to blush.

Draco had always been the spokes-man for his group and so he took one, small step forward to meet with Finnegan. He saw the blush on the Irish-boy's face deepen quickly once he came to halt before Draco, and he began to bite his lip nervously.

"We were…uh, we though you all might…we just wanted to tell you that…" Finnegan paused in his rambling, halting speech and Draco barely suppressed the eye roll that was begging to let out.

"I do not have all night, you know. Some of us would like to get to dinner at some point today." Impossibly, the sandy-haired boy flushed even further, until he was so red that Draco took a step back to protect himself from when the boy's head exploded. Luckily, that didn't happen.

Finnegan shoved a wrinkled piece of parchment towards Draco and then turned and fled once it was safely in his hand. Draco watched with fascination as the boy raced back to his friends where he was patted on the back in congratulations for getting though the task. Only then, did he allow himself to look at the parchment in his hand.

_Hogwarts Talent Show_

_Come impress your friends and peers!_

_Accepting all kinds of talents that are appropriate to share with an audience._

_Please see Professors Snape and McGonagall for further details and to submit your routine._

_Newly re-instated after a nearly fifteen year absence!_

_Help us make this year a success so that we can have this kind of fun as an annual event once more!_

_Headmaster A.W.P.B. Dumbledore_

Draco allowed himself to have an inward chuckle at the fact that professor Snape had to associate himself with this travesty before he gave the signal to his friends to join him for dinner. Pansy, of course, was the one who could not wait.

"What does it say Draco? And what is wrong with the Gryffs? They were acting odd…" She trailed off and looked at him for an answer and he shot her a patented Malfoy "Wait until later" ™ glare.

"Let's have our dinner then repair to my private sitting room; I think that the four of us have things to discuss."

Dinner went smoothly, and Draco even managed to eat something while he was considering the Gryffindor table from under his half-closed eyes. It would not do for a Malfoy to be caught staring. The Gryffs in question seemed oblivious to the Slytherin table through the meal, though it seemed like Potter was glancing over that way more often than usual. Draco had to suppress the urge to sneer at him.

Once the four friends were comfortably ensconced in Draco's private sitting room, a Slytherin Head-Boy privilege, he passed the parchment that announced the talent show around and let his friends study it in silence as he wrapped himself in his own thoughts.

_Gryffindor mating habits are surely different from Slytherin ones. I am sure that not one of my house-mates would "display" for potential mates in such a publicly-humiliating way._

"Do you know what this means? Do they want to see us perform or something?" Blaise was scratching his head as he handed the parchment back to Draco. Draco smiled at him condescendingly before shaking his head in the negative.

"I'm certain that they just want to show off for us. Were you not paying attention to their behavior this afternoon?" Everyone nodded, but kept their peace, they could easily tell that Draco wasn't finished talking.

"Obviously they've set their minds on obtaining us as potential partners. Girl-Weasley wants Blaise, Granger wants Theo and Finnegan wants Pans…I can't figure out what Potter was doing though. He seemed angry when you were near me Pans, but I would imagine that he and Finnegan would settle a dispute over who would pursue you in a much less public way…" Draco's eyebrow rose again as he saw the smirks on the faces of his friends.

"What? Have I missed something?" Pansy's smirk grew to Malfoy proportions and just as she was about to open her mouth and speak, Theo placed a hand on her arm to stop her. The two of them had a quick and silent conversation that ended with Pansy looking frustrated yet gleeful at the same time. As perplexed as Draco was about that, Blaise had started speaking and he had no time to think on it.

"Are you sure? So what? They want to make sure that we come to watch the show? They're going to do something that gets our attention? After that little display today, they've already got it." Draco nodded and looked around at his friends, deciding that they should plot out a course of action only after they'd made some decisions.

"Since you spoke up Blaise, you can go first. What are your feelings on the Girl-Weasley?" Blaise furrowed his brow as he thought, and everyone waited for his response in silence.

"Well…she's certainly attractive enough. She is from a prominent pure-blood family. She certainly has it in her genes to give me plenty of heirs, which is the only thing that my mother has asked of me…and I rather like her firecracker attitude. I'd bet a hundred galleons that she's wild in bed." This time Draco did not suppress an eye-roll as Blaise smiled at the group.

Theo was next in his radar. He issued the same question to him about Granger.

"What about you Theo? Could you see yourself with the book-worm Muggleborn?" He stopped himself just in time. His perceptions had changed with the war, but habits that had been ingrained in him since birth were harder to get rid of and, as much as he trusted and knew his friends, he still wanted to stop that kind of thing before it got started going again.

"I certainly can. I need someone who can challenge my intelligence. And, though I know that I will receive not small amount of teasing for this, I would love to have someone that could just spend an evening in reading in front of the fire with. Plus, my family was never all that worried about Muggleborns…" Draco nodded his head at the answer, it was a good one and he knew that Theo was telling the truth about all of it.

"And Pans? He's a half-blood, which I'm sure your parents will abhor. How do you feel about Finnegan?" Pansy had some time to think about her answer while the other friends were answering and her eyes were burning with excitement as she started speaking.

"I'd love it! My parents, at one point, were so worried about the tainting of blood that they were thinking of marrying me off to you, Draco!" The friends shared a glance and a visible shiver at the thought of being married to each other.

"Either that or a second cousin of mine that I've grown up with. Too much in-breeding is going on. Other than that, he's attractive and funny and he's smart enough without being too smart. And now, dear Draco, the time has come for you to answer. What do _you_ want in a partner?"

Draco found himself sitting back in his chair at the unexpected question. He could refuse to answer of course but that would get him nowhere and these were his friends, if he couldn't trust them, who could he trust?

"I want someone who challenges me; someone who has strengths of their own and likes to show them, but not all of the time. I refuse to have some wilting flower who wants to flit about the manor and spend all of my money. I would like someone who knows how to have a good time and yet knows when it's a good night to spend inside just lounging in each other's presence. Also…heart-stopping in the bedroom." He shared a smirk with his friends.

"So it's decided then, we shall attend this talent show. Now, it's time for some rest for all of us…so get out of my rooms." His friends rose from their seats and made their way to the door as he showed them out, as it was only proper to do.

Pansy paused at the door, and turned to face him as he leaned against the doorframe artfully. She gave him a speculative look and opened her mouth to speak a few times as she chose her words.

"One last thing Draco…think about this seriously, do not dismiss it if you dislike what I have to say. Did you notice that your perfect person wasn't a woman who could give you an heir?" She rose up on her toes and kissed him on the cheek and left in a swirl of tartan skirt.

Draco was left blinking at the spot where she'd been for a moment before he composed himself and shut the door. _I'm certain that I mentioned that. Of course I want a woman who could give me heirs…just like the only son of a prestigious house would._

However, as he lay in bed later that night, unable to sleep as his mind ran in circles, he reviewed his words and determined that he did not, in fact, specify that his perfect mate would be female. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he thought that he would hate being bonded to a woman for the rest of his life. His last thought before he fell asleep was something along the lines of:

_Shit…father's going to kill me._

The days leading into the talent show were interesting, to say the least. One never knew when they would chance upon someone practicing in the halls or a darkened alcove. A frightening number of people were intending on doing a dance routine. As that thought passed Draco's mind, he thought about Veela display habits and shook his head.

_It's amazing how people imitate creatures sometimes._

The day of the show dawned bright and sunny. It was a Friday and classes had been cancelled so that the performing students could prepare. Draco and his friends gathered out on the grassy lawn outside and passed the day in silent contemplation, each wondering what their pursuers were going to do. The students in question hadn't been seen all day.

They left their comfortable perch early enough that they could go prepare to arrive at the show in fashionable time and attire. Draco, though he was sure that nothing was going to be waiting for him there, agonized over what to wear until he chose some Muggle clothes that seemed to be gaining in popularity amongst the wealthy Wizard families.

He dressed in dark denims and a white button up shirt, leaving the shirt un-tucked and un-buttoned at the throat and rolling the sleeves up so that just a hint of his fore-arms showed. He then wore black leather boots that had some strange name like "Healer Martin's".

Pansy was very impressed when she saw him, but took it upon herself to artfully mess up his hair. When she was done she stood back and crossed her arms over her chest so that she could take in the full picture. She smiled and whistled at him, which for some unfathomable reason, made her long-time friend blush.

"Draco…I know that you are going to hate this, but you do "Muggle" very well. You could be in one of their magazines!" Pansy was circling the not-so-icy Prince of Slytherin and checking him out jokingly.

"Pansy that is enough. Not another word. Let me look at you." She immediately took up her spot in front of Draco and struck a pose for him to look at her. She was dressed much like he was only she had on a denim skirt instead of pants, so that she could show off her legs. As much as he loved her (like a _sister!_) he had to admit that she was smart to do that; her legs were certainly her best asset.

Theo and Blaise had joined them by that point. Blaise also dressed Muggle, in khaki pants and a green polo shirt that contrasted nicely with his skin tone. Theo had, apparently, decided to stay in wizard attire, wearing fashionable robes that weren't too formal. When his friends asked why, they received a typical Theo answer.

"I feel comfortable and she already likes me right?" He shrugged and looked to his friends for an answer and got sullen and quiet when no one answered. Draco motioned towards the door of the Slytherin common room and the four friends made their way to the great hall.

The hall was full to bursting when they got there, but when they stepped through the giant doors, a hush fell over the crowd as everyone turned to look at them. Intrigued, Draco turned to his friends to ask them what was going on, but he was interrupted by one of the first years in his house…Whitehead or something like that.

"If the four of you would please follow me." The kid said in his thick Scottish brogue and turned assuming that they would follow. Draco was a little annoyed but mostly impressed with the actions of the child. No stuttering or waiting anxiously for them to follow, just moving along. He allowed a small smile to grace his features as he followed the child.

In the first row, front and center before the stage, were four saved seats, each with a name card. The first-year motioned towards the chairs with a sweeping motion of his arm and then he was gone. Draco allowed himself another eyebrow-rise and scanned the four empty chairs for one with his name on it.

He was seated between Blaise and Pansy, with Theo on the other side of Blaise. Draco delicately plucked the name-card off the seat and made a show of sitting down. He watched, inwardly fuming at how long it took, as his friends took their seats as well, before he allowed himself to examine the card.

_Draco Malfoy_

It just had his name on the front of the folded piece of parchment and, unable to hold his curiosity, he flipped it open to see if there was a note on the inside. His curiosity was rewarded when he saw a small, short note on the inside of the card. The handwriting puzzled him; it was familiar but he couldn't place it.

_I hope that you enjoy the show. I shall be eagerly anticipating your reaction when you realize who I am._

_Someone who's been watching you for some time_

"Oh…Draco got a note! What's it say?" Pansy had snatched the note out of Draco's hands before she'd finished speaking, leaving Draco very confused and a little perturbed. He didn't know why the handwriting was familiar; he didn't know that someone had been watching him; he had no idea how his friends were going to react to this news…

"Give that back to Draco now, Pans…I have a feeling he's going to want it in a bit. Oh, and Theo got a note inside his as well that says we are going to have to sit through the whole show before the one that we're here to see comes out." Blaise reached across the still stunned Draco and yanked the note out of Pansy's hands to hand back to Draco.

Draco suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that the parchment in his hand was very precious. Before he could say anything to his friends about the feeling, or question the evil smiles that he was getting, the lighting in the Hall was dimmed and the noise level dropped to almost nothing. He surreptitiously slipped the note into the pocket of his denims.

Dumbledore stepped onto the stage in the most interesting robes that he'd ever worn and strode right to the spotlight at the center. The Headmaster was wearing Day-Glo orange robes with little yellow happy-faces on them. It was rather like a train-wreck, Draco thought; as much as he wanted to look away he could not.

"Welcome students and staff to the Hogwarts newly-reinstated Annual Talent Show! We were extremely pleased with the turnout of auditions and before we go on I must insist that we show our support to Professors Snape and McGonagall for sorting through all the routines." He turned and motioned for the aforementioned Professors to join him on stage.

Draco lifted a hand to cover his laughter at the looks on both of his Professors faces. McGonagall looked like she had swallowed a few lemons and looked so harassed that her graying hair was escaping from its bun on the back of her head. In the right light she looked just a bit like Medusa.

Snape on the other hand…Snape looked like he wanted to AK the Headmaster and every student that was watching. Though his greasy hair was not showing the signs of stress like McGonagall, Draco could clearly see that there were stray sparkles and streaks of multi-colored paint all over the dour mans' black robes.

Draco watched in fascination as the two professors shared a look, as though the two of them were conspiring against something together, which could not bode well for anyone. He tried to catch Snape's eye and ask a wordless question, and found himself to be rather startled when he received an evil grin in response. Snape had become rather unpredictable since he started getting shagged by Remus Lupin on a regular basis.

"Ah, wonderful, thank you students and thank you ever so much Professors for all of your help. Now, a few more words before I step off the stage and get to the talents: Firstly, since all of you have come, the doors are now spelled shut until the last student is finished with his or her performance." Despite himself, Draco had to flash a grin towards the stage at the evil cunning of the old Headmaster. He nearly laughed out loud, but that would have been far too much praise.

"And we have decided that, to be fair, we shall go in order of school year. So, first up shall be the first years! Please, let's all give them a warm welcome." Dumbledore clapped heartily and made his way off the stage, and Draco prepared himself to be bored to tears.

Within the first few performances, Draco knew that part of the revenge of Snape and McGonagall was that these were certainly not school appropriate. Very few first and second years performed, and the few that did, appeared in a group. Some of the "dance" and "gymnastic" routines were surely considered rather vulgar for children's eyes. Then again, Draco was rather in the habit of seeing things that weren't really there.

By the time they were watching the fourth years perform, Draco was certain that these would not have been approved unless Snape and McGonagall didn't want to go through this hassle again. Although, there were a fair number of songs from Musicals that Draco was enjoying.

Just like his fascination with creatures, Draco had a rather well-hidden love of musical theatre. Well, he thought it was well hidden anyway. He had snuck out of Malfoy Manor many nights over the last few summers to indulge in shows on London's West End and would love to go to New York in America and see shows on Broadway.

He sat rather patiently through "Memories" from the abominable show "Cats" just barely resisting to put his fingers in his ears and scream. He rather enjoyed the fourth-years rendition of "The Song that Goes Like This" from "Spamalot", which might be the funniest show that he'd ever seen.

Draco thought it rather funny that, as the participants got older, it became less of a talent show and more of an audition for "Britain Idol". Starting at the end of the fourth-years, every student was singing something. Though he had no true knowledge of Muggle music outside of Musical Theatre, he was silently impressed with a lot of the students.

Astoria Greengrass, Daphne's younger sister and the little girl that had taken to following Draco around like a lost puppy, sang something called "I Kissed a Girl" and it was extremely risqué. Especially when one considered the fact that she was singing to someone in the crowd. He couldn't see all that well, but it looked like she was singing to one of the Patil twins.

Colin Creevy sang "I'm Too Sexy," which was the over-statement of the century. Draco nearly gagged when Colin took off his shirt and swung it around over his head before flinging it into the crowd of spectators. Blaise leaned over to whisper at him at some point in that number, "I think he might be more delusional that old Snake-face was…and that's certainly saying something."

Unable to pull his horrified eyes away from the stage, Draco nodded absently. However, it was the start of the sixth-year performers, which meant they were getting closer to the end and the people that they'd come to see. Draco let out a completely undignified snort when a group of Hufflepuff sixth years got up to sing "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" from Avenue Q.

Finally, they could see Ginny Weasley coming on to the stage and Draco bumped his shoulder against Blaise's to bring the other boys' attention back from wherever it had wandered. Even Draco had to admit that the red-haired girl looked good in her modified school uniform. She'd shortened the tartan skirt so that it was just barely covering her arse and was wearing the school-issued white oxford but she'd cut it short so that her entire stomach was showing. She even wore the white knee socks and black school shoes. Draco thought she looked pretty good, if you like the "Naughty School-Girl" thing.

She started to sing and dance around the stage, and there was a muffled gasp from the crowd. Ginny heard the collective intake of breath and smiled devilishly at the crowd without breaking off what she was singing. Draco saw that Blaise had a huge smile on his face and listened to the words a little more closely. He finally caught on to the issue when the chorus came around again.

Love me, hate me  
Say what you want about me  
But all of the boys and all of the girls  
Are begging to if you seek Amy

Love me, hate me  
But can't you see what I see?  
All of the boys and all of the girls  
Are begging to if you seek Amy

His eyes widened as he caught the play on words. He wasn't sure whether to be shocked or amused. He sat through the song still unsure of his reaction. He enjoyed it either way. Once she was done, she took a bow to thunderous applause and winked at Blaise who leaned over again to whisper in Draco's ear, "oh yeah…_Wildcat_ in bed. I'm in." Blaise shot a wink and a smile at the red-head on stage just before she disappeared out of the spotlight.

They sat through a decent rendition of "Mr. Cellophane" by Ronald Weasley, and Draco thought that truer words had never been spoken by the Weasel. He spent most of the next forty-five minutes suppressing the urge to roll his eyes and yawn at how uncreative his year mates were being.

Finally he saw Granger and Finnegan come onto the stage. They had the oddest clothing on. Both were wearing tight jump-suits that were extremely shiny and shoes with gigantic heels on them. Platform boots, he learned from Pansy as she leaned over to giggle in his ear at their attire. She told him that they were extremely popular during the Nineteen-seventies with Muggles and the fad during that time that was known as "Disco Fever."

The music started and Pansy giggled again from her place beside Draco. He glanced over at her and then at Theo to gauge their reactions so far. Pansy looked enthused; Theo looked enthralled. Then again, it was no surprise really; those jump-suits left little to the imagination. Finnegan stepped forward to sing first.

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line

Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me

If you need me let me know, gonna be around

If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown

Honey I'm still free, Take a chance on me

Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie

If you put me to the test if you let me try

Take a chance on me

(that's all that I ask of you honey)

Take a chance on me

Granger joined in on the chorus, and the two of them switched spots when it was time for the next verse. Granger stepped forward and made sure that no one could mistake who she was directing her words to. Theo was gaping at her as she began to sing.

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together

Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better

Cuz you know I've got

So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you

It's Magic

You want me to leave it there

Afraid of a love affair

But I think you know, that I can't let go

Draco was pleasantly surprised by just how well the two of them sang. Once they were into the song a bit, he did recognize it, but not by it's original, just because he'd seen "Mamma Mia" on the West End when it was still playing. The song lasted a bit longer than the more recent performances, but by the end Draco was still actually enjoying himself.

Finnegan and Granger took a bow at the end of the song, and Theo dashed out of his seat presumably to go see to Granger backstage. Pansy nodded to Finnegan and flicked her wand at him which Draco knew from experience wrote a message on the palm of his hand. It was ever so much more convenient than trying to pass notes when they were in class.

"And now, as our finale, we have out very own Savior, Mister Harry Potter!" No one else had been announced, but Draco figured it was just par for the course for Potter to be treated specially. Potter came out on stage, scowling over his shoulder at someone in the dark of the back.

He was holding a stool in one hand and an acoustic guitar in the other. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, Draco shook his head when he found himself thinking that Potter looked really good. He watched in silence, along with the rest of the school, as Potter set the stool down in the spotlight and sat on it facing the audience. Draco thought he detected a blush on Potter's cheeks, but dismissed it. Potter couldn't possibly be embarrassed by being in the spotlight.

Shadows grow so long before my eyes  
And they're moving across the page  
Suddenly the day turns into night  
Far away from the city but don't hesitate  
'Cause your love won't wait hey 

Draco was impressed. Potter was playing the guitar and singing like he'd done it all his life. The amount of feeling that he was putting into the words made Draco completely forget that it was a rather sappy and overplayed love song. Against his will, he began to wonder who Potter was singing to…and maybe wish just a little bit that it was him.

Ooh baby I love your way every day  
Wanna tell you I love your way every day  
Wanna be with you night and day  
Moon appears to shine and light the sky  
With the help of some fireflies  
I wonder how they have the power shine shine shine  
I can see them under the pines  
But don't hesitate 'cause your love won't wait hey  
Ooh baby I love your way every day  
Wanna tell you I love your way every day  
Wanna be with you night and day yeah  
But don't hesitate

'cause your love won't wait

He once again found himself wondering why he was there that night. Who sent him the invitation? Why was he sitting here wondering who it could possibly be that wanted him when all he could think of was Potter suddenly. His mind was filled with images of Potter through the years…with the image of Potter, sitting alone on the stage with his head of messy black hair bent so endearingly over his guitar.

And then, Potter's head wasn't bent over the guitar anymore, and he was looking at Draco. Staring right into Draco's eyes unerringly and everyone could tell that the next part of the song was for the person that Potter was gazing so longingly at. And Draco shocked himself by realizing, finally, that it was for him. Potter was singing this song for him.

I can see the sunset in your eyes  
Brown and grey and blue besides  
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun  
Wish I could dry one out of season  
But don't hesitate

'cause your love won't wait  
Ooh baby I love your way every day  
Wanna tell you I love your way  
Wanna be with you night and day  
Ooh baby I love your way every day  
Wanna tell you I love your way  
Wanna be with you night and day

When the last note faded from Potter's guitar, the audience was silent. Draco, for his part was frozen. He couldn't break the eye contact from Potter any more than he could have flown to the moon on his broom. When Potter stood up, still holding his eye, it broke his paralysis. He drew a deep breath in through his nose and stood up to mirror Potter's actions. He heard a collective breath drawn in from every single student that was watching to see who Potter was singing to.

There were a few cries of disbelief, but overall the reaction was silence. Draco was certain that he heard one girl burst into tears behind him, but he couldn't be arsed to care. He flashed a cocky grin at Potter, who smiled in response and reached his unoccupied hand out to Draco. The blonde had a momentary flash of indecision before taking Potter's hand and walking out of the now unlocked Great Hall with him.

Mating Habits of Teenagers indeed.

**Epilogue: One Year Later**

Harry drunkenly looked around the room that he was standing in, packed full to bursting with all but a few of his year mates from the previous year's graduating class. He stumbled and fell into his husband of just a month who in turn fell into the student next to him. It set off a chain reaction around the room until every former-student was trying to get back to their feet while giggling uncontrollably.

A few nights previous, Harry and Draco Potter-Malfoy had gotten an owl from Professors Snape and McGonagall requesting that they come to the Hogwarts talent show. Both of the men were rather puzzled at the invitation, but eager none-the-less. When they'd arrived at the school they were even more puzzled by the fact that nearly all of their year-mates were there or arriving as well.

They were all ushered into the small room behind the Great Hall where Harry had once been for the Tri-Wizard Tournament. No one met them there, they had been guided by one of the school ghosts and the doors locked behind the last person. In the corner of the room were a pile of boxes and a few casks of wine, along with a note.

_Please, help yourselves and enjoy._

_This is the song that we would like you to learn for the Talent show._

_The doors will unlock 15 minutes before you will be performing._

_Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall_

Not needing to be a genius to realize what was required of them; Harry helped himself to two of the bottles of fire whiskey in the crates, one for himself and one for his husband, and found a nice, quiet corner for them to get pissed in.

"Harry, love, what do you think is going on?" Harry put down his bottle and squinted at his new husband.

"I don't think I know what's going on; I know what's going on. Revenge is a dish best served cold, right? We are gathered here, the heroes of our generation, getting pissed and then performing at the Talent show tomorrow. McGonagall and Snape probably started planning this last year when Dumbledore decided that they would be in charge of supervising. I think it's hilarious. Drink up, my love, you will need the courage."

So they drank. And Drank. And Drank some more, until every drop of alcohol was gone from the room. Then they decided to learn the song. A few moments before they were due on stage, everything was set. The entire room of 18 year old wizards and witches were smashed out of their heads and ready to put on a show that no one would ever be able to forget.

Shockingly, it was Seamus Finnegan that confessed to knowing the song that they were to be performing, and so it was he who would take the lead. The only part sung by all of them would be the chorus.

"Sev and Minnie sure have some fucked up senses of humor." Draco nodded his heavy head against his husbands shoulder. They headed out onto the impromptu stage and once everyone had gathered and stopped talking, a spotlight shone onto Seamus.

"Welcome one and – hic - all to the finale of the Hogwarts Annual Talent Show! Some of you – hic – may remember us as last year's graduating class. We'd like to sing a song for you that has proved to be oh-so-true in our lives."

I can make anybody Pretty

I can make you believe any lie

I can make you pick a fight

With somebody twice your size

I've been known to cause a few breakups

I've been known to cause a few births

I can make you new friends

Or get you fired from work

'Cause since the day I left Milwaukee

Lynchburg and Bordeaux France

Been makin the bars

Lots of big money

And helping white people dance

I got you in trouble in first year

But sixth year now that was a ball

You've had some of the best times

You'll never remember with me

ALCOHOL

The graduates of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry year 2000 stood on the stage in the great hall of said school, drunk and nearly incoherently singing a song that was a tribute to alcohol and underage drinking.

Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall stood just off stage of the group of drunken miscreants and did something that, had anyone seen them, they would have to deny until their dying breaths. They laughed. They laughed loud and long and had to support each other so that neither one of them would fall down. They could easily see the shocked faces of the current students, and yes, that was funny. They could see the faces of the other professors, which ranged from similar hilarity to incredulity and that was amusing too.

The thing that, however, had them grasping their sides and crying tears of laughter was the look on the face of Albus Dumbledore. It was his fault that any of this happened. He'd ruined nearly 20 years of professional animosity by giving the professors something to unite against. Himself. Revenge has _always_ been a dish best served cold.

**A few notes on the story. I apologize to anyone that I've offended with this. It was intended as a joke. If you'd like to blame someone blame too much Starbucks, a long car trip and the most random iPod that most have you have ever listened to….**

**Thanks to Brad Paisley, Britney Spears, Peter Frampton, Eric Idle, the makers of Avenue Q, ABBA, the writers of Chicago, Right Said Fred, Katy Perry and of course JK Rowling for letting me use these and not make any money off it.**


End file.
